The New Greatest Fight Scene Of All Time

Back in the 1980s, choreographing a fight scene was simple: Jean-Claude Van Damme would simply block all of his opponent's attacks with his face until he was inspired by a motivational chant/his friends' lack of faith in him/a child's laughter, and then retaliate with a series of spinning kicks that no real life non-blind person would be hit by. This was maybe based on the idea that Western audiences would be unable to understand anything more complex than a horribly telegraphed roundhouse, and worked just fine until somebody had the brilliant idea of hiring Yuen Wo-Ping to work with people who didn't have horribly off-putting Chinese names. Ten minutes after the Matrix was released, JCVD's back catalogue immediately went from 'amazing' to 'holy shit, we thought that was what fights were like?'

That's progress. The problem is, until recently scientists had no idea how to apply this logic to MMA, simply because things happen in the UFC every fucking night that are ten times more awesome and unbelievable than anything you could come up with for a film. Also, there's no dramatic tension, because it isn't a real fight, so anytime people circle each other while not hitting, things are incredibly boring. And finally, in Never Back Down, the best move anyone does is a slow, horribly telegraphed triangle choke. In Fighting, it's a slam from a horribly telegraphed triangle choke. In Red Belt, it's a backflip off a fucking wall.

I'll admit that I had no idea how to rectify this problem: but fortunately, Donnie Yen did, and now it seems blindingly obvious. The solution is threefold:

1. Chain between submissions at speed that is literally impossible in real life.
2. Have a man counter a triangle choke by bouncing his opponent's head off a METAL FUCKING RAIL.
3. When someone locks on a heelhook, let them snap the other man's leg like a breadstick.

Your move, Hollywood:



Bonus round: if you watch the whole thing, there's a really basic BJJ mistake somewhere in there. First commenter to spot it gets an ice cream.