I Have A New Favourite Way To Strangle People

Two exciting things happened yesterday.

1. I bought a new gi. It´s blue, and my mum always tells me I should wear more blue because it brings out my eyes, so she should be pleased.

2. I learned a new way to strangle people!

My old favourite way to strangle people was the guillotine choke - it´s quick and efficient, and you can sort of do it while you´re standing up, but pulling off it mostly relies on the person you´re fighting being a fucking idiot, and I´m fighting less and less of them these days.

Another good way to strangle people is the rear naked choke - or to give it its butch Brazilian name, the Mata Leao (lion killer) - because the other person can´t hit you while you´re doing it, but setting it up´s sort of complicated and if you´re that much better than the other person you could just punch them in the head or something.

My new favourite way to strangle people is the Anaconda, and it´s totally wicked. Known as the Gator Roll (a name I sort of prefer) in America, it gets that title from the fact that after you´ve grabbed your opponent´s head (and arm) as they shoot in on you, you torque your body (and theirs) in the manner of an alligator trying to drown Mick Dundee. Then, once you´ve thrashed about a bit, you sort of shuffle in towards them until their head feels like it´s going to come off. Brilliant!

Some people might say that it´s weird toi have a favourite way of strangling people, but those people are just jealous. Make no mistake, yo - if you come in at me with your head down and your arm all floppy, you are getting chizzoked the fuck out. I´ll make you tap like Ginger Rodgers. Word!

Note: in order not to cause offence, I should probably point out that I don´t really advocate strangling people. In fact, none of the above techniques are even strangles - they cut off your carotid arteries, not your windpipe, so they´re technically chokes. But I like the word ´´strangle´ and the Brazilians call them éstrangular, so that´s the way it stays. What am I, an English teacher?