FIGHT MONTH

I know, I know. I've been a bit slack about the old ultraviolence recently. There's a reason for that, and that's simply that when I'm not worrying about getting pummeled in the kidneys in front of a crowd of dozens, I just don't train that hard. So I've decided to entire the Combat Sports Open - which is in a month - AND WIN. How? Well, my plan is many-fold. Wait, manifold? I should probably look this up.

1. KICK REALLY HARD
You can't hit in the face in the Combat Sports Open, so the best way to hurt people is giving them a vicious dead-legging. The best way to do that - probably - is to embark on a rigorous programme of plyometric squatting and smashing my shins into a heavy bag as often as possible. Or at least I hope it is, because that's what I'll be doing.

2. GET BETTER AT JIUJITSU
Obvious? Yes. But the last time I entered a competition, I could barely do an armbar. You only get four minutes in the CSO - after that it's a draw - so I need to get better at forcing people to tap out. The best way to do this seems to be going to jiujitsu loads, and fine-tuning the submissions I can already do.

3. SLAM PEOPLE
Obviously the easiest way to set up a submission is by slamming someone into the mat so hard they lose their breath, and that's where part two of my genius plan comes in. My wrestling shot's much improved since the last time I competed, and the plyo/squatting out to make Ultimate Warrior-style powerbombs a mere formality.

4. LOSE HALF A STONE
Yikes. Yeah, to weigh in on the day, I'll need to be about 6 kilos lighter than I am right now. How the hell am I going to manage that? By not drinking beer, dumbass.

And there you go! Updates on my progress as and when.